The Seven Skirts Rule

Written by Sheye Rosemeyer on Monday, December 24, 2007

Photo by: Sheye Rosemeyer of Ava

"One morning, Ava noncholantly wandered into the room wearing seven skirts. There was no fanfare about it, she appeared just the same way as if she'd popped on one. I, of course, was aghast...thinking of the fact that most of them were "good" skirts and then the washing and the ironing of those seven skirts. I asked what possessed her but naturally, she had no answer..she really couldn't see the problem and simply wandered off with no intention of removing any one of them.

The photographer in me had to pull out the camera and hurridly snap off a few shots which pretty much stopped me stressing and let me focus on just how cute it really was. I've thought about those seven skirts so very often since that day. For me, they highlight what I love to capture in children, that complete innocence and ignorance of all things adult and proper and practical.

Crayton and I are not terribly conventional in our approach to life in general. For a start, we are both home pretty much 24/7 and actually love each others company. We really enjoy just hanging out together. You'll often find me in my pj's at lunchtime and even though we are crazy busy, neither of us wear a watch. Once I bought an organiser and thought I was going to be amazing. I programmed in every damn domestic chore I could think of and after three days of hearing that thing beep, I found myself glaring, swearing and telling it to go do the washing itself if it felt that strongly about it. My Mum laughed when I told her I'd bought one, saying "Oh sweetie. No. Those things are for Organised People". I admitted defeat and switched it off. Not long ago, the list-wielding, schedule-Nazi, sooooper organised Jennifer lovingly told me if she had to live my life, she would be found sitting in the corner of the room, licking paint off the wall. I told her she was boring.

We have found school life, and the requirement to be highly organised, challenging at times. Our paediatrician said, "It's no good living in Rome and sending your children to school in Japan". He definately had a point..we don't disagree..we do subscribe to the notion that children need routine and structure. We try so hard, we're just not experts in the field.

The problem with all of this is that along with this unconventional approach, I also have the tendancy to be highly self critical and have had hugely unrealistic expectations of what mothers should be. Before February, I went to bed on so many nights berrating myself that I had forgotten swimming that day or that I still hadn't done up the reward charts. Sometimes I would get in the car after school drop-off and drive home actually telling myself out loud "My God. You are HOPELESS"...because I'd not managed to get all the books covered or left Luca's hat at home. I cried with the frustration of wanting to be the Perfect Mum and falling short on many days. I so desperately wanted to get it right, to do it all really really well and with a smile on my face at 9pm each evening. I could never have met my own expectations but that didn't matter...I was determined to evolve into the finger-painting, cookie-baking mother no matter what...Obviously, then, I would be a Really Good Mum.

Losing Ava has had an immense impact on how I see motherhood and what I expect from my children and most importantly, myself. I can see clearly now that I used up so much energy in each day wanting to do it all perfectly that I'd miss out on the perfect bits that were already there. Now I am so much easier on myself. Just trying to keep sane through some really tough days has meant I've been forced to let go of so many parenting ideals that I had in place. The criteria has been reduced down to it's most basic...At then end of a day, as long as we're all healthily fed, freshly bathed and cleanly clothed. As long as we're hearing the children laugh and we all feel loved. As long as we're together. What an enormous lesson in what matters. And you know what, because I've found new freedom in the World of Parenting, I am a much better Mum. I find myself edging a little closer to Japan each day. I even use a diary now.

So for all those parents out there, scalding yourselves for not doing it perfectly today, please think of Ava and her Seven Skirts. She wasn't thinking about the washing. She wasn't thinking about the protocol for how many skirts one should wear at once. She wasn't worrying about whether it was flattering or whether the toddler next door seemed to pull off eight skirts. She just saw how beautiful she looked.

Parenting is an extraordinarily difficult job. However you're doing it, it's perfectly perfect. Promise."

Photo by: Sheye Rosemeyer - of Ava

Pictures By: Sheye Rosemeyer of Ava Rosemeyer
copied from Sheye Rosemeyer's Blog:
Ava's Memorial Site: